The Beginning of the End
by Beach Fradis
Summary: The downward spiral amidst Ritsuko's feelings, thoughts and inner turmoil.


This story was spawned while I was looking for some cool songs for Fushigi Yuugi songfics (namely Suboshi fics :D~). I was listening to Dead Can Dance, one of my fave bands (duos?) and I turned up with this instead. 

English is not my first language, so it is possible that I've made some grammar and spelling mistakes. Nothing big, really, since I speak English almost as well as Spanish, my native language. 

* * *

The Beginning of the End **By Beach Fradis**

  


I thought that you knew it all  
Well you've seen it ten times before.  
I thought that you had it down  
With both your feet on the ground.  
I love slow... slow but deep.  
Feigned affections wash over me.  
Dream on my dear  
And renounce temporal obligations.  
Dream on my dear  
It's a sleep from which you may not awaken. 

You build me up then you knock me down.  
You play the fool while I play the clown.  
We keep time to the beat  
of an old slave drum.  
You raise my hopes then you raise the odds  
You tell me that I dream too much  
Now I'm serving time in disillusionment. 

I don't believe you anymore...  
I don't believe you. 

I thought that I knew it all  
I'd seen all the signs before.  
I thought that you were the one  
In darkness my heart was won. 

You build me up then you knock me down.  
You play the fool while I play the clown.  
We keep time to the beat  
of an old slave drum.  
You raise my hopes then you raise the odds  
You tell me that I dream too much  
Now I'm serving time in a domestic graveyard. 

I don't believe you anymore...  
I don't believe you. 

Never let it be said I was untrue  
I never found a home inside of you.  
Never let it be said I was untrue  
I gave you all my time. 

  
_Dead Can Dance, The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove_

* * *

I have always wanted to be a cat, you know? 

Cats have such freedom, such autonomy, that even when they have a master, they live for themselves. And are perfectly fine on their own. 

Cats are strong. They have an acute sense of awareness. They stay awake, alert, always ready to face the dangers that await them. They do not worry. They are prepared. They have fierce claws to fight, fierce fangs to bite their enemies and their prey. And if they fall, the always land on their feet. 

Cats can also be mellow. They can purr, slowly, seductively, to mesmerize. They can walk without making any noise. They can meow in joy, caress you softly with their entire body. And they stay with you, if they love you. They have freedom to love without restraints. Yet they never fall victims of their love. 

But... 

I love you. 

Sounds so superficial, yes. 

But it is the truth. My truth. The truth that I live every day of my life. 

My feelings must remain concealed, though. And I will remain in the dark, crying thousands of tears when I'm alone. 

When I'm not with you. 

Do you love me? 

Kaji once told me that having a beaty spot under the eye, like a tear, will lead to a string of unrequited loves. 

Is that what I have for you? Do I have no hope at all? 

Ha! No. I don't. 

My work is all I have. My work is what got us together. And it's the only thing that keeps us that way. The secrets I know. My abilities. I keep everything together in NERV. I'm the vehicle that communicates you to your subordinates. 

Except for Rei, isn't it? 

Rei. 

She's just a vacant body, an artificial creature, the work of your own hands. And the mirror of Yui. The vehicle that will bring Yui to you. 

Are you another Pigmalion? Did you, as the legend foretold, fall for your own creation? 

My question is answered every time you look lovingly into her eyes. When you burned your hands badly rescuing her. I saw the fear in your eyes, moments before you ran to her. 

Will you ever run to me? 

I answer myself that question after we make love. No afterplay. No sweet kisses in the dark, no caressing, no reassuring words, no gentleness. 

You just rise off the bed, get dressed quickly. And leave. 

I remain among the sheets, sweaty, alone. 

As I hear the door close, I finally shed the tears. 

And I have to live with that. Every day of my life. 

Because of her. 

She's just a doll, willing to do whatever you please, whatever it is that you order. 

But then again, so am I. 

And when she's gone, there will be another. And after that one, another. And another. And another. 

A bold, grotesque parade of artificial angels, one after the other, cookie cutter, manufactured. 

Gazing at me with those strange, unhuman, dead red eyes. Infinite pools of crimson blood. 

And they all have those frightening eyes over me. 

I'm sick. Sick of everything, of eveyone, of us, of you. Of myself. I want to run, I want to cry, to scream at the wind. But I'm just a coward. 

I could only do one thing. For that one thing, I risked everything. All that we've built, together. 

Because you will never look at me that same way. 

The parade ended. Today. 

Rei will disappear, forever. The last Rei will be exactly that, the last one. 

After her, there will never be another one again. 

Oh, how I hate her. How I hate Yui. And how I hate my mother. And you. 

And myself. 

And now, you hate me, too. Because of what I did to Rei. But, you know? I didn't kill a person. The living Rei is alive and well, I don't have the heart to hurt her. Even though I really do hate her. 

No. I don't hate her. She's paying, too, the price of your love. A deadly love. 

A love that denies her to live like an ordinary child. A love that put my mother in the grave. A love which made Yui disappear. A love that is killing me slowly. 

All I have is the comfort and closeness of my cats. My ceramic cats, which can't meow, fuss, play with me. 

My cats... 

This morning, my grandmother called. 

"I'm sorry. Your kitten is dead". 

"I'm sorry". 

I'm sorry. 

No, really. 

I cannot even take care of a single cat. How can I, if I cannot take care of myself? 

I'm worthless. 

But then again, you already knew that, didn't you? 

I cry again. Why did I fall for you? Why did I love you as much as my mother did? 

Mother... 

I wonder why did we share the same destiny. The same love for the same man. And in the end, that very man would lead us both to our destruction. And not only him, but also her. 

Rei. 

Ironic, isn't it? Rei means soul. Yet her soul is false and dark. Everything about her is false and dark. Her emotionless eyes. Her room. Her love for you. Because she loves you, doesn't she? Or is only the part of Yui that rests within her core the one that loves you? 

Because her soul was created by a man, not by God. By you. 

And that meant the death of my mother. 

Oh, mother... 

Do you see me now? What do you think? Am I pathetic? I know I am... 

Did you feel the same thing I feel when you were in his arms? When he kissed you? When he promised that there would be a tomorrow? When you were waiting for a phone call, in your apartment, all alone? When he made love to you? When he went back to his everyday life, leaving you behind? 

Did I love him because you loved him? Or is it that we, the Akagi women, follow the same romantic patterns? Or is he such a charmer that he is able to sweep off her feet any woman he fancies? I wonder... 

Probably the latter. Judging from what I know of Yui, and what I see from Rei, he is really a charmer. A charmer... 

But, you know what? It's over. Over. 

I'm tired of crying every night. I'm tired of waiting for you in my bed. I'm tired of closing my fists every time you run to her, again and again. 

But in the end, she's only your tool for your ultimate goal, the human instrumentality project. Your perpetual joining with your beloved Yui. 

Rei is only your tool. 

Like everybody else. 

Will instrumentality come? I wonder... maybe then I will be, finally, one with you. 

One with everyone else too. 

But until then... 

*sob* 


End file.
